Hello there,

For so many reasons, this blog was not updated in the past couple of weeks. Instead of listing them all, let’s just say life happens.

I wrote in the past about how to deal with trolls, you know, these irritating people whose existence seems to be solely for the purpose of annoying us online. However, trolls are people too, and if you’re a beginner you might want to check these excellent 5 tips that would enhance your prowess as a troll:

Tip 1

Keep it simple, stupid.

Who needs reason? Who needs to elaborate or build upon one’s statements? Say you’ve read someone’s post and said someone really took the time to compile a comprehensive argument about something. Say you want to comment. Never let your response last more than 3 (three) words. See, the OP did all the work. Why take away his thunder by responding with any intelligible comment? What, when you can simply reduce the discussion to tweet level. If you want to demonstrate high level trolling skills I suggest to choose a comment that really has nothing to do with the subject of the post, or better yet – hurl an insult.

Examples:

  • That’s total bullshit
  • Nonsense
  • Tomatoes
  • You’re an idiot (Trolling masters will make the extra effort to add a grammatical error or too – e.g. your an idiot)

Tip 2

Never let the OP say the last word.

Some posters may suffer from an affliction of ego, or in some cases – naiveté. If you consider yourself a troll, there is no way you will leave that rock un-turned. These folks will try to reason with you (haha, I know). It’s your job to thoroughly frustrate them with meaningless responses. Let them write a long-winded comment, explaining why you are not contributing to the discussion then hit him with your strongest argument (See examples under “Tip 1”).

Tip 3

Stay OFF topic

Never, and I do mean NEVER remain on topic. That’s what all the other serious douches around you do. How else will you get that precious attention you crave so much? You decided to go that route because quite simply, you have nothing of any value to say. Might as well maximize your 15 minutes by constantly distracting everybody from the subject of discussion. You may run the risk of being blocked, but that’s obviously a risk you’re willing to take.

The ideal way to do this would be to use sophisticated mind games like “Your mama jokes” or pictures of naked ladies. Other ways may be a little out of your league for now (e.g. after every reply from the unsuspecting OP, write “Explain.” and say it out loud – Dalek voice and all) but don’t worry, your trolling level increases in no time with more practice.

Tip 4

Keep things personal

Google “ad hominem”. It’s what the best of trolls do best. Why go after an argument you can barely read through – let alone understand, when you can go straight for the person who wrote that mambo-jumbo? His mother is game, feel free to get her involved. He must have some physical flaws, right? Or is gay. You know. Let your imagination go. There must be something that will rile the OP up. If you get silence, up your game. If someone tries to correct your grammar, let him know what you think about his privates. If you get a lesson, see Tip 2.

Tip 5

Dude… tl;dr…

I thought you wanted to learn how to troll effectively… I must say, if you read so far you have your work cut out for you… The ultimate weapon of every beginner troll against logic, reason and otherwise negative things like enrichment of one’s mind is the magic combo of “tl;dr” (Too long; Didn’t read). That should at the very least spark an opportunity to use any of the above tips for extra annoyance. Unless, of course, the OP knows the best way to deal with trolls (again – In this post).

That’s all for today folks. Hope you found that helpful and enlightening.

And for the rest of you – don’t feed the troll. Let him die (metaphorically speaking) of hunger. Remember all he wants is attention, and these days that is something in high demand and short supply indeed.

Would you like to share your opinion? Feel free, the stage is yours!

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